This answer is different for everyone. I could answer this question for fifteen minutes. I could type a very large paragraph. There are a lot of things to like. I would like to start a word doc of things I like. Liking is so easy. So much fun! Ponytails, freckles, ice water, pink. It’s loving that is a bit more challenging. Liking is popsicles, peanut butter and skipping. Loving is tattoos. Loving is cosmetic surgery. Loving is a willing step off a cliff.
To list one likes is popcorn. It’s like masturbation. To list one’s loves—real loves—real think-about-it-loves—is Transmyocardial Revascularization Surgery. You have to stop eating 24 hours beforehand. You are made unconscious. You are cut open. Blood bone. Stitches. Scars. Recovery. Afterwords, your body is different from once it was. Your body. Cut into. Reconstructed.
But what I really want to talk about is spiders. No, just kidding. I want to talk about how bodies betray you. You think you are one but then they fuck with you. They go rogue. They become errant children, pubic hair sparse but earnest, fuck you-ing you. Your knees stay up past 3 am. Your gut leaves home, expands, grows thick with fat, glut-full of French fries, Belgian waffles, whipped cream and melted cheese. It sneaks past the eclipse of your breasts, demands the stretch of new bras, new waistbands. Your neck aches for no discernable reason. You’re tired. You ask, “I thought we were partners? You and me. Remember how we climbed trees? How I wash you? The Jane Fonda videos? All these years. You and me. Just tell me what’s wrong? We’ll work it out. You’re still all I have. You keep me together.”
Forget it. I am mad at my body. I am silent fighting it. Punishing and hoping. I am in the other room, door locked, panting.
Here is where I digress…
In a beach room where you are the best, I crawl. I crawl over. Inside the harmony. Paul, John, Ringo, George. I live inside their hum. It’s a peaceful throb. Oh. My. God. Crawl inside with me. If you know what’s good for you. If you cannot float, you are not a trooper. You cannot “hang” with me. You are not viable. You are skin that walks. When you crawl, your hands and knees scrape the ground. Whatever that ground is. You think that’s the part that hurts, but it is, but it is not. What hurts is the deferential pose. Your head bowed. BOW THAT HEAD. Shoulders less. DO NOT LOOK AT ME. Body slumped. Hey, be a cutting board! Hey, be a sloth! Be lower than anyone that matters. Crawl forward until the tip hits your lips. Say, “I am nothing.”
Hey Jude is a really nice song. Old Elton John is gold. Early 1980’s funk.
A barking dog.
A quick wince after it hurts.
Lido Shuffle/Boz Scaggs after four beers.
When your bladder is full but you want to finish this level first.
How your hope rises more than your fear.
How your fear rises more than your hope.
When you watch effed up Japanese porn.
Ryan Adams. Live.
When you swear it’s your last drink.
When the floating begins and you see her eyes and her laugh.
After you take a shower, all the stray hairs scraped from your body.
When your book doesn’t sell.